you are endless

the sweet psalm of a little star

my love, 

You asked me yesterday how I have survived all of my recent panic attacks.  I didn't know how to answer without looking as if I have completely lost my mind.  However, I've since decided that this information may very well save your life someday.   

Here is how I endure the long dark night of existential despair when I feel like I’ve reached my end. 

I never told you this before but a few years ago I learned how to breathe through the crown of my head whenever I'm in the middle of one of those classic midnight panic attacks. I have found that my lungs aren't as reliable as the invisible hole in my cranium when it comes to supplying my body with oxygen. 

This all sounds mad - I know. I know. I know.

When the darkness comes for me and I can't catch my air, I have learned how to breathe in light. The science of how I do this is a bit suspect, though without discovering it, I’m certain that would have been featured in a paid obituary long ago. 

Here is what you do when Despair Cobra slithers up into bed with you and coils itself around your throat. 

Lay back on your pillow. Close your eyes. Tight as you can. Seriously. Pinch the tears out the corners until they race back behind your head. It's like making warm lemonade - but it's a little more bittersweet. 

Then you have to fold your hands across your heart and get ready to take an incredible journey into the deep reaches of the cosmos.