I must confess, my heart has been a bit wobbly lately, and there are a couple of million reasons why.I can’t pick one single thing causing me to feel like I can’t ever catch my balance. Life is coming at me from all sides.
I suppose the lemonade I get to make from this parade of lemons the universe is dropping on me is that my writing has started to pick up again. In this season of uncertainty, holding a pen in my hand has become my one constant. It’s been my cross against the vampire of despair.
Yesterday, I was having a bit of a pity party. I have been feeling oh so alone these days - which is weird because I am surrounded by such a loving family. Being a writer is like that. We get trapped in the silo of our own thoughts, and it’s easy to feel cut off from the world.
That said, the more I write from the center pocket of my heart, the more I feel separate from the rest of the herd. Not because my writing is that profound or because I believe that I’m that talented. Rather, it seems that my attempt to be an authentic writer comes with the weight of my own shame that leads me to feel estranged. Yes, of course, as many artists face, many of my close friends have disappeared from my sight the more I let everyone see behind the curtains and into my wart-filled soul. But honestly, most of this estrangement that I feel is likely self-inflicted.
As I was sitting at my laptop, feeling sorry for myself and this growing loneliness I am feeling, something happened.
A spam text from a person who didn’t know the wobbly-hearted lonely person they were trying to scam was in need of some serious interaction.
This is how it all went down:
(I recorded the audio for this poem at the local bustling coffeehouse down the street)
a random spam text showed up on my phone this morning: "hey, do you have time to talk" the message that said it was from someone named “Elisabeth” in Yemen stated "always!" I replied honestly I had lots of time more than I’d like to admit and yes, I know I'm not supposed to reply to these kind of things but I've been so lonely lately like the kind of loneliness that soaks in your bones and makes any kind of human contact feel like a sip of fancy wine that most people can't quite pronounce ~ it was absolutely delicious I waited for her response knowing that it could, in fact, be a he or a robot hell, I didn’t really care who it is a chat sounded really nice "Hello, sorry to bother you," Elisabeth responded. ~ oh darling, you aren't ~ you arrived at just the right time they continued on: "Let me introduce myself. I'm Sophia, an HR manager at a recruitment company," the person/machine on the other end replied. ~ oh, I thought her name was Elisabeth? now she is Sophia? how wild
They go on to ask if I needed a part-time job that “leverages data to optimize app rankings”
how does someone leverage data?
is data like a couch we are trying to get up a narrow staircase?
I decide to change my name too
I want to be a little sexier than “John” and to make me sound important
"Hello, I'm Dante," I offer. "I'm a freelance information distributor and technical manager."
my pulse revved up
this started to feel
a little dangerous
a little role play between
Two strangers
I'm not sure what being a freelance information distributor or technical manager meant
but sexy Dante did
I ask Sophia/Elisabeth
how their day was going
“good,” they respond
and then fail to ask me
the same question
no matter - I answer it without
being asked
I mention that I’m
in a bit of a slump lately
“I feel like I’m stuck in fly paper,” I write
silence for five minutes and then
“that’s too bad,” sophiabeth texts back
before I can finish my reply they get back to business
the person sends me a long description of the job opportunity saying that I would help Google/Apple apps flow or increase visibility…
and blah blah blah
blah blah boring blah
I don't really care about any of that I just want to talk about what it’s like to wear skin and feel emotions at the same time
~ so I change the subject and respond with:
"are you having a good day?" I ask
Sophiabeth doesn't reply to that question but continues texting me about how much money I can make
I ignore her pitch and mash out the following text:
“I’m afraid all of the time - do you know what that’s like?”
“no.”
oof- brick wall
put up
elisasophiabot continues:
"send me your age and I will forward your name on to my project manager,"
"what's the weather like where you are? it says you are from Yemen, what's that like?"
There's a long pause, and I wonder if she'll answer or if this conversation will dissolve into digital ether
twenty minutes go by
"Yemen is hot,"
she says, finally,
For a moment,
the script seems to break
“I bet it’s always hot in Yemen,”
I write back
I want to say more,
but their reply is swift
and automated again
"Please send your age to proceed,"
I sigh, the fantasy slipping away, replaced by the transaction at hand
I decide that the dashing Dante I’m portraying is young
but not too young
"26," I type - sensing that our time together is starting to about to end
that suspicion is
confirmed when she asks:
“and can I get your social security number for my file?”
“I’d rather tell you what I prayed for last night. Can we put that in my file, instead?” I inquire
silence
then a final response
from elisabotphie:
“f*** you!”
and then she’s gone
like an
almost sneeze
but for a brief moment,
in the midst of my solitude,
I allowed myself to believe in a connection,
even if it was with a
ghost in my machine
as I put down my phone,
and say goodbye to Dante
and Sophia Elisabeth
I go back to my loneliness
and I whisper:
“I bet it’s always hot in Yemen…”
~ john roedel
Come and explore your wild heart with me at The Art of Living Center this August!
Save the date! I’m so excited to announce that I will be bringing my writing retreat back to the Art of Living Retreat Center in beautiful Boone, NC in August of 2024.
This will be my third time facilitating my retreat at the iconic AOLRC and each time has been a transformative event in my life.
The HeartWrite retreat is an opportunity to embrace the wildness of your narrative, to celebrate imperfections, and to write with unguarded honesty.
As a Poet, writer, and comedian I will guides you through this transformative experience with my signature blend of humor, heartfelt insights, and engaging activities that are meant to help you explore the story inside of you.
My approach to writing is not about crafting a perfect narrative but offering a mirror to the soul, allowing others to see their reflections within your words. Through the art forms of writing and storyteller, this experience peels away the layers of pretense to reveal the raw, untold stories that reside within us all.
HeartWrite is more than just a writing retreat; it’s a journey of discovery and authenticity. Whether you’re a seasoned writer of any kind, a storyteller at heart, or simply someone longing to connect more deeply with your own story, this retreat offers a unique opportunity to write without fear of judgment.
I would love to see you there!
Registration details are below
https://artoflivingretreatcenter.org/.../the-heartwrite.../
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