Fog Staring

on sadness, shadow, and remembering that my pulse is always a departure bell

I wrote this after poem yesterday after realizing that sadness does not always find me. Usually, I go looking for it. This is about the fog, the porch light, and the small step toward the sweet choosing to live now.

---

When I stare into the darkness
for too long my porch light always turns off
 
There is something addictive 
about the shadow side of my heart

It was easier to get hooked on sadness
because it was always there with a needle
for me to inject it straight into my veins

There is always something to be sad about

~My coffee tastes weird
~The phone says we are killing each other
~I see you frown and I assume that I caused it
~My bank account is a cave
~The relentless Midwest humidity
~A car speeds by with a vanity plate that reminds me how much I have lost
~An old memory I buried suddenly becomes a redwood tree
~ I see you smile and I assume that I didn’t cause it
~Walking past the mirror in the most unflattering light

The deep fog comes and I let it in like a lover on the last day.

Wait.  No.  The dark doesn’t come to me.
I go to it.  Sadness doesn’t look for me.

I seek the sadness out. God.  
What a thing to write.  

I need to prescribe myself contrast. 
Both the light and the shadow.

The only benefit of being both a saint and a sinner
is that I get to go to sleep every night on the soft 
smudged Line between the two

I deserve noon and midnight in equal measure.

I always tap my hands on my wrist
as if I have a watch under my skin

Because I do.

“Tick tick tick,” my heart says.

“What are you waiting for?” My blood asks.

Every bump bump bump of my pulse
is the cosmic sign I have been looking for.

The train is departing.
With me.
Without me.

And here I am I still having 
a picnic on the tracks.

What am I waiting for?

Bump
Bump
Bump

Porch light on
Porch light off

Tick
Tick
Tick

Dusk boy
Dawn boy
Smudge boy

All of it
All of it
All of it

Live
in 
contrast

Now
Now
Now

Photo by Chelaxy Designs on Unsplash

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